I’m sure you have seen or seen discussed the propaganda film “Kony 2012”. The creators of the film, which is the most viewed propaganda film since the last Michael Moore movie, is a Tranzi organization called Invisible Children. Basically their whole goal is to encourage US military involvement in Africa to catch Joseph Kony and destroy the Lord’s Resistance Army. Many celebrities like Rihanna and US soccer star Landon Donovan have jumped on board the campaign. Meanwhile many keyboard activists have taken to Twitter and Facebook to talk about the need to “Stop Kony”.  I’ll let others make the case against US involvement. However the main point of this whole “Stop Kony” is for guilty white and rich progressives to purge their consciences and engage in their meaningless rituals of penance with other peoples’ money and resources.

Most progressive activists have a guilty conscience. They’re sorry about slavery, racism, hunger in Africa, human rights abuses, Native Americans, capitalism, imperialism, etc. ad infinitum. This guilt has led to their loathing of individual freedom and national sovereignty. The modern progressive activist normally doesn’t consider the issues logically, instead they just feel and cry for the right causes and wear the right colored ribbons (which for the “Stop Kony” campaign should be brown for bullshit) and attend the odd protest. Typically they indulge in things as a means to soothe their guilt. In 2008 we saw a major example of this with the election of Barack Obama, in spite of the fact he had no serious platform to speak of. We saw a far bloodier example with the War in Libya last year where US warplanes, with minor contributions from European and Arab “allies”, bombed Libya and helped remove Gaddafi from power.  The Libyan adventure was not in American national interests and was dare I say, illegal under the US Constitution, but it made guilty white rich liberals and neo-cons happy. This guilt is going to get people killed all around the world and will make us poorer, therefore I, Kevin Boyd with the power vested by myself, must absolve all progressives the world over of all guilt for well….everything.

I hereby absolve you for slavery, racism, sexism, homophobia, religious bigotry, capitalism, misogyny, imperialism, etc. ad infinitum. I absolve for you all sins, named and unnamed and unknown, committed by Europeans and their descendents. I require no further penance and/or confessions. I just require you to learn to following truths:

There will always be rich people and poor people. That is just human nature.

Some people will also hate other people based on skin color, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, and really for any reason. Again, this is just human nature.

Buying products from Third World countries and helping them exploit resources is not “stealing”, it is trade. They have things we want and we give them things they want to help improve their living standards.

People all around the world have different values and different ways of governing themselves and that’s okay. We should be all free to govern our own nations as we see fit, not defer to professional Tranzi NGOs who ride around in air-conditioned white SUVs telling the world how great they are and the UN. Government should be as close to the governed as possible.

Finally, this one will be hard for many to accept but you cannot stop poverty, killing, and general uncivilized behavior all time, around the world. There are bad people everywhere and the United States cannot afford to be the world’s policeman anymore with our massive debt, nor should we. This could lead to the a neo-imperialism based on good intentions.

Now that you have been absolved, take these lessons to heart and go and sin no more.